Friday, 8 November 2013

so it looks like i am going to be a mummy (to a real human baby, and not a bunny one) sometime in march.  yes, already five months in!  we are both really happy and excited to meet the little one and i am exceptionally terrified at the thought of childbirth, sleepless nights and generally being a good mother.  i'm told that's natural though.

nick has been desperate for children for as long as i can remember.  it helps that he has the mental age of about 6 so i think he is looking forward to the company.  for me, i worry about what kind of mother i will be.  my own mother and me don't have the best relationship.  it is strained and uncomfortable and there is a long history of mistakes and regrets on both sides.  so for me, it is so important that i do not repeat these same mistakes. 

i want so much to be an amazing mother and to have great friendships with my children.  but something that is also very important to me is that i do not lose my own sense of identity.  i was someone before children came along, with my own dreams and aspirations, interests and things i liked to do with my time.  i am scared that once children arrive, all those things will melt away and i will be nothing more than "mum".

but alongside that, i am also scared about the little things that we non-parents take for granted, things that seem meaningless but are actually the things that hold a sane and mellow life together.  i'm talking about things like being able to leave the house and not have it be some military style operation, or to nip out to the shops at any time of day without having to give it a second thought, or being able to go out with just my phone and my debit card.  things that have become second nature and things that i won't even realise how much i miss until they're gone.

nick says i focus too much on the negative.  he seems pretty nonchalant about it all.  i think he's focussing too much on the positive.  we need to meet somewhere in the middle.  so maybe as a combined parenting team, we will have a good balance.  only time will tell i guess.

blue caleel.
things she loves.

famous gallery.

green wedding shoes.
autumns fall.

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand the worries about being a good mother and sleepless nights and little things like being punctual ever again. As we try to put this old house in order, I find myself fixating on whether there will be enough space for coat hooks for my currently fictional children and other minor things when I should be worrying about the fact we've no heating other than coal fires. I'm oddly confident about childbirth - misplaced since I have no experience at all - but surely we will all manage somehow! Hope you're feeling well.